Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
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i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Just a reminder, folks:
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.