TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
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For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Looking at you, Jesus.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
can’t bark with your mouth full
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
As the Lord intended