What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
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JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”