I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
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If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*