Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
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6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you