some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
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I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure