Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
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I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”