I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
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Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
“our sushi is very fresh”
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Check out the legs on this baby
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.