Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
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Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes