[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
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I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.