Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
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i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….