Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
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Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Happy thanksgiving
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”