some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
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Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
*weighs self after shaving
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.