all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
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[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]