I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
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Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]