I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
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An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.