Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
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I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My brain is a bad influence on me
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*