Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
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I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…