I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
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And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew