It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
✌🏽
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*