Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
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They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.