*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
You Might Also Like
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
had to make it
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us