When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
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I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Me sliding into hell like
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.