my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
#milo
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I feel it
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill