BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
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Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
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Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.