There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
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if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Happy Friday
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.