I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
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Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
#Caturday
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.