*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
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One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel