[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
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Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Going into Monday like
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Noted.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Hit me in the face with a bird
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing