You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
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I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.