Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.