My dog after a walk in the woods.
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Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
what’s the point then??
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!