If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
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“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*