me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
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Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Come back with a warrant
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
a fate I wish upon no one
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I’m about to risk it all
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.