What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
You Might Also Like
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.