KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
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One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person