Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
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[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
i will not be silenced
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Mornin
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.