I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
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Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.