why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
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[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer