I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
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This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!