[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
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I know karate and tons of other words.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?