If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
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Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Me irl
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play