him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
BETRAYAL
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.