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My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
The devil.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.