[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
You Might Also Like
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.