What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
You Might Also Like
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
San Francisco has too many rules
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”