“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
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Need this in my life lol
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.