My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
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My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I’m pretty like a car crash.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space