Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
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I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
spot the difference
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.