“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
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DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
is this how new cars are made??
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.